There are many differences in the relationship between children and their parents in Western and Eastern cultures.
In my opinion, I’d say that generally speaking the western style of parenting is like this:
A parent’s dream is that their child will grow up to be independent, healthy, and happy. Some parents have dreams of their children becoming famous doctors, successful lawyers, or some other thing, but in our culture it is more important that a person choose their own life. Parents often say, “do whatever makes you happy”. Of course when a child is young, western parents look out for the child’s safety and don’t just simply allow the child to do anything. For example, a western parent wouldn’t allow their 8 year old child to stay out very late at night by himself. It’s too dangerous. As the child grows up, she gains more and more independence. Parents will give their advice but they usually won’t try to force you to do something. They might tell you they don’t really like your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they’d never say something like “you are not allowed to marry them”. It doesn’t make sense in our culture. Parents just want to give as much advice as possible to their children so that hopefully the child makes good decisions. Western parents usually encourage open discussion. They want to hear the kid’s ideas and opinions. They want to understand them. It’s ok to argue and debate ideas as long as the child isn’t being rude or disrespectful. It’s ok to say, “Dad, I think you are completely wrong about this and these are my reasons for thinking this way”. Then after hearing that the dad would probably try to explain why he thought his ideas made more sense. In the west, it is considered ridiculous for a parent to say something like, “I am your father. I have more experience than you so you should listen to me”. The mother or father should try to use logic and reason to try to convince their child what is correct.
When the child is still living at his parent’s house and is still depending on his parent’s for money, the parents still have some control over what the child does. For example, most parent’s wouldn’t allow their 18 year old kid to quit school and just stay at home watching tv. A common phrase in the west that parents say is “as long as you are living under my roof you will live by my rules”. In other words, the parents are still the boss until the child moves out of the house and pays for everything himself. When a child finally does move out of his parent’s house and becomes financially independent, we generally consider the child to be an adult. As an adult they can totally make their own decisions without their parent’s interference. My parents would probably be happier if I lived in Canada and closer to them, but they would never try to make me feel guilty for living in China. I’m encouraged to make my own decisions and create my own life. They are happy if they believe I am happy. They are comfortable that I can pay for myself and they don’t expect me to pay for them when they get older. On the other hand, I can’t ask them for money anymore either. If I really needed some they would give it to me, but it would be very embarrassing to ask and it would be disappointing for everyone if this happened. This would mean that I can’t take care of myself, which isn’t a good thing for a 28 year old.
My experience in China tells me that the situation here is quite different. My friends tell me that parents are becoming more open minded than before, but there are still some differences. I have several friends in their mid 20’s in Shanghai who have pressure from their parents to get married soon and have a baby soon. It seems to me that people here feel a lot of cultural pressure to follow their parent’s wishes. They feel that they need to give them money when the parents are old, even if the parents don’t need it. They feel they need to marry someone who their parents approve of. They often tell me that I am lucky because I don’t have to worry about these things. They tell me that they would like to have freedom to do whatever they want but they feel that they have no choice. They have a hard time having an open and fair discussion with their parents.
It also seems more common in the east that even the extended family can influence decisions. It’s not uncommon for me to hear of people’s aunts, uncles, or grandparents giving someone pressure. In the west, this is very very rare. I couldn’t imagine my aunt or uncle telling me what I should do. Since I am an adult now, it would be just as silly for me to tell my aunt and uncle what they should do. It just doesn’t happen. Since we are both adults, it doesn’t matter who is older. We are both independent and are considered equal.
I’d love to hear about where you are from and your relationship with your parents and your other relatives. Is this common in your culture? What would you do differently if you have children. What things do you like about the western parenting styles? What things do you like about the Eastern parenting styles? Is there anything else that you could share? Please share your stories and ideas on the discussion forum. This is your chance to practice your writing. You have no excuse so don’t be lazy. Don’t waste any time. Do it now!
Andrew
East West Cultural Differences
