Making friends
(This could be written about any country, but I write about China because its the country I’m living in now)
A lot of Chinese students tell me they would like to make some western friends to practice their English and to learn the culture. I think many of these people are finding it hard to meet new good western friends and they aren’t really sure why. Several people told me that their teacher suggested walking up to foreigners that they see on the street or in the subway, and just starting up a conversation. I have people come up to me all the time and ask me where I’m from, how long I’ve been here, and what I do in Shanghai. Some people even ask why I came to China or if I’m used to the food. I’d really like to share my opinions on this and I’m sure most foreigners would agree.
First of all, try to think of things from my point of view. I get asked these same questions all the time and its really quite boring and annoying to keep answering them. I’m not angry. I know that the people are trying to be very nice and friendly. The problem is just that the questions are a little boring and don’t make sense to ask a stranger. Nobody likes to feel that the only reason someone else is talking to you is because you are from a different country, or they want to practice their English. I like helping people with their English. Its a big reason why I make this free website. I just don’t like the feeling that I am in a conversation just because the other person wants to practice their English. Sometimes in a very short time these people will ask me if I would like to “make a friend” with them. I really don’t know what to say. I hate being rude, but the truth is that I really don’t want to “make a friend”. My friends are people who I like, have fun with, share some of the same interests with, and learn from. None of them are people who “just wanted a friend”.
Here is another thing that people need to understand. Being kind and friendly is not enough to make a friend. I know there are millions of very nice people here who I don’t want to become close friends with. Of course I can talk to them and be nice, but I still won’t want to become close friends. All of my friends are people who I can laugh with and people who I can communicate with. Nice but boring is not enough. We must interest each other. Otherwise we wouldn’t become friends.
If you want to make western friends, you need to find westerners who share some of your interests and ideas. You can find them in the places that hold these activities. For example, if you are really serious about working out you might be able to find some friends with similar interests at the gym. You can also find people in your city in different social networking websites. You can read their profiles online and see if they seem like someone who has similar interests.
If you don’t have any interests or activities you like to do then you should get some. This is not only to make friends with westerners but its just a good idea anyway. I’ve read many profiles of people online who say their hobbies are sleeping and watching TV. I always smile and laugh when I read this. I’m sure you can imagine that it doesn’t make me think I’d like to be friends with them.
I respect Chinese culture a lot, but none of my friends would be considered “traditional Chinese” people. I am just too different for them. We are always friendly too each other but we usually don’t become close friends. I like to be with people who love trying new things, thinking about new things, and talking about any topic in detail. I’m quite open this way. I’ve grown up this way for all my life and its what makes me happy and comfortable. I get bored easily.
I think the point to remember is that you should find western friends the same way you make friends with people in your own country. Don’t try to make friends because they are westerners but rather because they are people you are interested in and enjoy being with. That is the only way you will make real friends. Its perfectly ok to be very traditional and you might find some western people to become close friends with. I just want to say that the Chinese people I see with the most western friends are the ones who are the most adventurous and the people who seem to be the most comfortable in any kind of conversation. If you get more interested in trying new things you would probably have an easier time making more western friends. If you don’t want to do that, that’s fine too, it just might make it a little more difficult to find close western friends.
Your comments are very appreciated.
Andrew
July 29th, 2007 at 3:42 am
Hi Andrew, it’s very happy to find your free website, i’m english learner from China, I think you really know about China and chinese after reading above article.
I will browse your webpage everyday!
July 31st, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Yea, you can say that again, i met some foreign friends before and they have the same problems as you do, also my american colleague.
And if i were in your shoes, i would have the same feeling as you have. I would feel bored cause the question is always the same kind of. Any one can be bored with that, I think.
But i really dont know at times how to start a conservaction, I had an awful experience i want to share with you. A couple of weeks ago, I met two canaidan guy at a big mall here in my city, at first i didnt know they were from Canada, i just heard them speaking english with each other, so i asked “hi, sir, you from America?” (i must say i was a little nervous at that time, even though i have american colleague with me all the time, but he- my american colleague speaks perfect chinese, so most of the time, we speak chinese with each other), then one of a guy answered, “no, canada, ameria is ….” he made a sign of “thump down” and showed me the america is no good. i was very embarrassed at the moment.
so i slipt away as soon as i can.
This is the most awful experience i had i can say, i always dreaming of speak english well. But i always hate myself the progress i made is far too slow…
August 1st, 2007 at 1:08 am
Speaking of making friends, I think that all the basic things of human being are the same, although they are from different countries, or they have different cultures and different faces…
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:49 am
Ya, Andrew, you have pointed out main problem for most of Chinsese people who wanna make friend with westerners. Yes, I suppose that most of us have the same problem that we prefer to begin the conversion by asking those similar and boring topics…
Maybe that is owing to the different cultures betwen east and west. As we know Chinese people and Westerners have the absolute different thinking methods based on the different background.
I should say I have learn a lot from your blog that what is real feeling of a westerner. It is really helpful. Thanks.:)
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:12 am
In fact, I never really understand this kind of bored feeling as you mentioned above before till I participated in a speeding date…So funny, huh?
I have to say that kind of date was so boring… Only 3 minute for the conversion then moving. What else can talk? only where are you from, why are you in shanghai, what do you do? blah, blah, they asked me and I aske them. That made all of us cannot remember each other after date due to those same questions.haha…So so so boring…
August 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Hey i just found this website by chance. Anyway, i do wanna have a western friends because i do like the way they are especially i like them. Oh i’m cambodian. i live in cambodia and you know it’s really hard for me to find western friends. At my english school there’re many western people but i’m kind of afraid to talk with cos usually they’re not so friendly like me.
P.S. I do wanna be andrew’s friend
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September 29th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Hi andrew!
You’re totally right! Most people consider making friends with foreigners is an easy thing to do.Making a friend with someone needs a lot of time as well as a lot of understanding.You need to know what the other person is really interested in, and whether if you have things in common or not.For example , a person who spends the whole day reading , writing or playing chess , would never get along with a person who spends most of his time hanging out , watching TV and having fun. I hope I succeeded at getting my point of view across.Thanks Andrew for your honesty!
Anas
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December 12th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Hi!
Thanks for sharing this. I’m a British Columbian, that is teaching English in Zhejiang Province.
You finally spelled out what I’ve wrestling with all this time. So many people ask to be my friend. So many people consider me to be a good friend. 1 even said that we could be best friends, even though her English is probably the worst in the class. Even though many of them have been generous & kind, I noticed that at the end of an outing, I often feel drained, used and sad. I couldn’t quite figure out why I felt that way. I think that it is because none of us are really friends. Maybe we are casual friends, but it’s pretty hard to be friends with people who are my students, from a different culture and of a different age group, and that’s assuming that these people have the same interests!
Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about failed “relationships”. I was attracted to several women, and none of them ever really worked out. Also, in Canada, I’ve often wondered why I couldn’t easily form relationships. I knew that we had to have the same interests and so on, but now I am keenly aware of it at the front of my mind.
Regarding those same questions that you get, I also get tired of them. I’m constantly surprised by their responses to me using chopsticks: “You use chopsticks?!?”; “Where did you learn to use chopsticks?”. I find that those same questions can actually ruin the conversation, because it puts me into passive mode. My mind just shuts down, and it becomes boring.
–
Sincerely, and with thanks,
Eugene T.S. Wong
November 28th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Hi, Andrew!
Just wanted to tell you that your blog posts are truly interesting and written in a very open and honest way, which makes them so authentic and real!
I am a young professional going to Hong Kong for an year, starting from January 2010, and found this blog such a helpful tool to get culturally prepared for my experience in the far East of Asia!
Keep sharing impressions and perspectives!
Denitsa, Bulgaria
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