Parent/Child relationships (Cultural differences)
There are many differences in the relationship between children and their parents in Western and Eastern cultures.
In my opinion, I’d say that generally speaking the western style of parenting is like this:
A parent’s dream is that their child will grow up to be independent, healthy, and happy. Some parents have dreams of their children becoming famous doctors, successful lawyers, or some other thing, but in our culture it is more important that a person choose their own life. Parents often say, “do whatever makes you happy”. Of course when a child is young, western parents look out for the child’s safety and don’t just simply allow the child to do anything. For example, a western parent wouldn’t allow their 8 year old child to stay out very late at night by himself. It’s too dangerous. As the child grows up, she gains more and more independence. Parents will give their advice but they usually won’t try to force you to do something. They might tell you they don’t really like your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they’d never say something like “you are not allowed to marry them”. It doesn’t make sense in our culture. Parents just want to give as much advice as possible to their children so that hopefully the child makes good decisions. Western parents usually encourage open discussion. They want to hear the kid’s ideas and opinions. They want to understand them. It’s ok to argue and debate ideas as long as the child isn’t being rude or disrespectful. It’s ok to say, “Dad, I think you are completely wrong about this and these are my reasons for thinking this way”. Then after hearing that the dad would probably try to explain why he thought his ideas made more sense. In the west, it is considered ridiculous for a parent to say something like, “I am your father. I have more experience than you so you should listen to me”. The mother or father should try to use logic and reason to try to convince their child what is correct.
When the child is still living at his parent’s house and is still depending on his parent’s for money, the parents still have some control over what the child does. For example, most parent’s wouldn’t allow their 18 year old kid to quit school and just stay at home watching tv. A common phrase in the west that parents say is “as long as you are living under my roof you will live by my rules”. In other words, the parents are still the boss until the child moves out of the house and pays for everything himself. When a child finally does move out of his parent’s house and becomes financially independent, we generally consider the child to be an adult. As an adult they can totally make their own decisions without their parent’s interference. My parents would probably be happier if I lived in Canada and closer to them, but they would never try to make me feel guilty for living in China. I’m encouraged to make my own decisions and create my own life. They are happy if they believe I am happy. They are comfortable that I can pay for myself and they don’t expect me to pay for them when they get older. On the other hand, I can’t ask them for money anymore either. If I really needed some they would give it to me, but it would be very embarrassing to ask and it would be disappointing for everyone if this happened. This would mean that I can’t take care of myself, which isn’t a good thing for a 28 year old.
My experience in China tells me that the situation here is quite different. My friends tell me that parents are becoming more open minded than before, but there are still some differences. I have several friends in their mid 20′s in Shanghai who have pressure from their parents to get married soon and have a baby soon. It seems to me that people here feel a lot of cultural pressure to follow their parent’s wishes. They feel that they need to give them money when the parents are old, even if the parents don’t need it. They feel they need to marry someone who their parents approve of. They often tell me that I am lucky because I don’t have to worry about these things. They tell me that they would like to have freedom to do whatever they want but they feel that they have no choice. They have a hard time having an open and fair discussion with their parents.
It also seems more common in the east that even the extended family can influence decisions. It’s not uncommon for me to hear of people’s aunts, uncles, or grandparents giving someone pressure. In the west, this is very very rare. I couldn’t imagine my aunt or uncle telling me what I should do. Since I am an adult now, it would be just as silly for me to tell my aunt and uncle what they should do. It just doesn’t happen. Since we are both adults, it doesn’t matter who is older. We are both independent and are considered equal.
I’d love to hear about where you are from and your relationship with your parents and your other relatives. Is this common in your culture? What would you do differently if you have children. What things do you like about the western parenting styles? What things do you like about the Eastern parenting styles? Is there anything else that you could share? Please share your stories and ideas on the discussion forum. This is your chance to practice your writing. You have no excuse so don’t be lazy. Don’t waste any time. Do it now!
Andrew
October 2nd, 2007 at 6:17 pm
[...] You can read the rest of this blog post by going to the original source, here [...]
October 4th, 2007 at 1:01 am
Hey Andrew!
I’ve already written my point of view.I hope I’ll get your opinion as soon as possible
October 13th, 2007 at 9:58 am
yes,what you said is very true.I am a chinese a girl.Now I fall in love with my high school classmate.But I dare not to tell it to my parents,just because maybe my parents don’t like him,and don’t allow me to keep in touch with him.Actally,I really don’t know wether I should tell them or not!
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December 4th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Hi Andy,
Generally I agree with you.
One minor point I’d like to clarify.
Even in China, aunts and uncle probably do not have such rights to make decision for the subjects until the parents are permament gone (for example died). And even in such situation, they only have the right to influence the subjects if they are finacially responsible for the “Kids”, and the power they possess is still somewhat smaller than the parents, at least in my view.
January 28th, 2008 at 4:58 am
i am not quite sure whether you can notice my reply or not, anyway, i want to say sth. i am a chinese, so i agree with what you said about the relationshipis between Easten parents and children, my parents were very strict with me, they want me to do everything according to their opinion.
but as i am an adult now, they offer me more freedom to do the things i like,and make my own decision.
i think this is related to the tradition and culture of China. China has 2000years’ history of Feudal dynasty,in which the Confucian Thought control people’s mind. Confucious taught people to respect their parents, listen to the olders’ order. if a child doesn’t obey his father’s words, the father has right to send the son to death.though the Feudal dynasty was destroyed 100years ago, the thought of putting children under the parental control is unchanged. well, now chinese parents certainly have no right to hurt the kids or send their kids to death, but they have the tradition to tightly control the kids and rarely anyone will blame them.
another reason is, our parents,mostly over 40s or 50s, they grow up under the enviroment of poverty and turbulence,when China experience the “Cultural Revolution”and the country stopped making any progress that time. they lived through great hardships,and know the bitterness of poverty.so they want their children to live a better life. at the same time, as the government force them to limit the children’s number,most of the family only has one kid(as my family).therefore, it is natural that the parents put all their love and expectation to this only kid.they made every decision for him ,and try the best to make sure every step their child take is safe and perfect.
Chinese parents are great, they live in a big but poor country, they use their hands to bulid todays’ prosperous ,what we enjoy now is the fruits of their hardwork.we should not and have no rights to blame them .we should not expect them change too much, for what they ordered us to do is out of their love.
to me, i will listen to my parents’ words.if i have my own desicion,i will communicate with them patiently,and let them know, i love them, and i will never let them down.
maybe what i said sound a litte bit ridiculous to u, well, it is just because of culture. China is under vast changeness,but sth.(like the virtures of respecting the olders and always helping others that have passed down for thousands of years)should never change.
ok.that’s what i wan to say, if you really see this, Andy.i want to say thankyou,for your beautiful article and u attention for my words.
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i’m an asian american living in the US. i really agree with your observations of the two cultures. i was raised here but my parents still use a lot of their old cultural ways to control the situation. i’ve been financially on my own since 18 but that is not proof enough to them that i am an adult. i just don’t think asian cultured parents will ever see their children as adults and as their equals, no matter how much effort is put into showing them we are. this of course will cause a lot of conflict between the parent/child relationship. if any one knows how to ease these conflicts, please give me some advice.
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